Amber & So Much Has Happened

If you noticed, I have not been blogging lately.  Soooo much has been happening that it has been hard to find time to blog.

For example, I got this new hair...

But then I didn't like that hair and so I got this other new hair that has a tendency to Alfalfa.

I am also, in that photo, wearing a new and very strange ruffle sweater that I got on a special Outlet Mall Weekend Edition of Awesome Club with these boys in a rental vehicle that we could have removed the seats and camped in.

On that trip, I also got this new jacket which matches my tights that I already owned.

Oh!  And there were all these doilies in the office, mysteriously one Monday.  Kevin thought I brought them in.

Oh!  And then there was the week where I bent to get the soap in the shower and stood up and scraped a giant raspberry into my back.  And then, I stubbed my toe in the office.

Although from hair, we can tell that was before.  Probably around the same time I got these great wall flowers in San Francisco.

Oh!  And I painted my nails!

And alot of stuff happened with the cats, but they can't send their Skype BFF photos, so we don't really have the same level of documentation of their activities.

It sure is lucky I am back to blogging so I can do something with these photos daily rather than save them scattered all over my desktop.

Amber & My New Nemesis

Illness, I have had it with you.  Although some people have suggested I try not to have new nemeses this year, I am making an exception.  First, you continually pick on some of my dear friends.  Then, you gave me an ailment that no one had ever heard of with the world's silliest name ever.  Then, while I was recuperating from that, you made me get crawly head sensation from nerve problems related to my jaw disorder that persist even after the miracle of the jaw adjustment.

Then, today, you chose the most baby and vulnerable of all targets: Pickles.

Giving my poor pink-nosed, curly little guy another UTI?  I mean, come on.  Although we managed to get to and from the vet without getting clawed or having accidental carrier poops, this is just not fair.  Pickles is already the nervous nelliest of all the cats.  In fact, stress from recent thunder storms and fire crackers (it is still Independence Day in my neighborhood) and contagious me stress (see above referenced other illness infractions) could be the very reason the boy is sickie.

Illness, be warned.  I will not abide.

Your days are numbered.  I am Attacking.  Starting now.

Amber & My Gift

So, today is a super big day for me for two reasons.

First, I got a chiropractic jaw adjustment, my first ever.  Dr. Cooper is a miracle worker.

He started off my massaging the inside of my mouth which was not very enjoyable.  And then he did that scary magic thing with the cracking sound.  And now my jaw is in a different place; I am actually biting my tongue a bit and have a lisp, which the doc says will get better as I adjust to the correct position.  He said it moved a whole centimeter.  Crazy stuff.  And, now I am wicked sleepy, likely from the release of all of the tension.  Maybe tonight, I can sleep through dawn?

The second big thing today, maybe even bigger than my jaw miracle, is that maybe I will get my big dancing break tonight.  I mentioned to my chiropractor that I was planning to go see Nick's sister dance tonight.  (Also, I asked to leave postcards in his waiting area.  Seriously, it sounds wonderful and you should go.  It's about the Forest, which is very timely for me--stay tuned.)  Dr. Cooper asked what I had been doing to prepare in the event they asked me to join them on stage.  Why, I have been born to dance, as readers of this blog know.

But, even those with natural gifts sometimes need to use them lest we lose them.  To this end, I have spent the week watching Shakira videos.



See?  Anything I want, anything in the whole wide world.  And what I want?  Is to share my gift.

I only hope the world is ready.  I fear the crowd might yell, "Give us Barabbas!"  And then my dance would be silenced.  Not to use too heavy of a metaphor.  Or to bring to mind my favorite summer reading.

More than anything else in the world the Procurator hated the smell of attar of roses.

Amber & You Are What You Love And Not Your Epiploic Appendagitis

Oh hai.  Meet my organs.

I have an internal boo boo.  The good news is that they finally figured it out (remember my ER trip and my "flank pain"?) and I am going to be super duper fine.  The bad news is that I am on bed rest for the next seven days...  although that might turn out to be a very good thing for the blog.  Except that I am all stoned on pain pills.  Again, could be good.  You be the judge.

The sad, sad news about being on bed rest is that I can't go to the birthday party for this gal.

Remember when I gave her all those cats as a present when she came to visit me in Canada? Too bad she forgot to take them with her.

(Photo by Jimmy)

I once noted her signature style was warm hats in the winter.  The real quintessence of Diana is beauty.  Both internal and external.

(Photo by Jimmy)

I love Diana.

Amber & Short Term Memory, Long Term Dread

Q: Mr. Owl, how many days does it take for a cat to forget a very bad thing that happened to him?

A: Let's find out. One...

Two...

Three...

Exactly 754 days.  This can not be a good thing.  But, golly that surgery was great for him and healed super well.

Amber & Handicapable!

Amber & Hanuman Jayanti

Today, on the birthday of the mighty mythic monkey king, Hanuman, I want to talk to you, dear reader, about monkeys.  Namely, I want to tell you two things.

1.  Monkeys are awesome.

2.  And, as such, they should be recognized as their amazing, diverse selves and not confused with apes.  Monkeys and apes are totally different.  It's almost like confusing hippos and hedge pigs.

You think I am overly sensitive to the confusion?  Googleimagesearch "monkey" and notice that orangs, chimps, and gorillas are not monkeys.  Nor is Kevin: he has not tail, for starters.

I leave you with this wonderful story.  Hanuman's buddy Lakshaman is gravely injured as the result of an unfortunate mishap.  Hanuman flies to the Himalayas to get an herb that will heal the wounds.  My understanding, from MC Yogi, is that he can't decide which herb to bring back so he takes the whole mountain.  In this version, I'm not sure why he brings the whole mountain since he seems to have found the herb.  Maybe it's about bringing enough?  Anyway: super cool mountain-moving trick.



I love monkeys so much, I will even forgive Hanuman introducing non-native species to the area.

Amber & Catch 22.5

So, I have a weird problem inside the eyelid part sort of way in the corner of my right eye.  And the doctor said it looked like a stye and gave me some eye drops.  But it's gotten more painful and the eye drops made it swell way up and the lower eyelid was sort of folded down when I woke up this morning.  Gross.

And right now it hurts like crazy, but it doesn't look that weird from the outside. But I think it looks all red and gross inside, but when I look in the mirror my glasses block my view of that fleshy innard eye skin part.  And without the glasses, I can't see well enough to even tell I have an eye.

So, I thought I would take a picture.

It didn't work.  When he gets back from his business lunch, maybe my coworker will help me? There was no discussion of forcing your colleagues to look at your eyeballs in my harassment training.

Amber & Last Week's Brain Fails Are Tomorrow's New Friends

Remember when I learned that I should listen to everything CRD says very very closely because he speaks infinite volumes of wisdom... at least pertaining to DANGER?

Meet Roger.

Roger arrived yesterday in a tube along with a poster about NEW YORK BREASTFEEDING that I had to try to hang on the office wall near the fax machine.  (It's hard to hang stuff on the wall when you are not tall.)  He came with a letter of introduction. It says...

Hello!

I am your new friend Roger. Roger for "roger that, CRD; this pan is hot!"  Please use me as a cute reminder that your pan handle is hot.  As a baby potholder, I can't stand up to hard core use, but I hope to someday grown into a whale of a hot pad.

Glub, glub,

Roger

I used Roger last night, seen above helping to steam edamame during Awesome Club.  Roger's chances of survival to adult potholderhood were put in jeopardy last night when he met Zach the kitty potholder.

But things came out okay, including the edamame, and I no longer have to pay any attention to CRD.

Thanks, Roger!

Amber & Danger!

When you are cooking a steak for Awesome Club and CRD tells you to watch out because the handle of the cast iron skillet is very hot (since Alton Brown told you to heat it up in the oven first), you should really pay attention.  Or else.

Just like when the horrible studio head tells you that bad things will happen if you don't sign the contract, you'd better sign it.  But then bad things will probably happen anyway.  PSYCHO-ANALYSIS.

Especially if you are a big-mouthed, not very bright aspiring starlet played by Miss Shelley Winters.

I love Robert Aldrich.  He could Kiss Me Deadly any time.  PSYCHO-ANALYSIS.

Also, did you know you aren't supposed to ice burns?

Amber & Soup

Soba noodles, assorted mushrooms, kale, and homemade dashi. And CVS Compare To Exederin Migraine Relief.

Amber & Things That Aren't Sciences

In the first phase of my effort to become Carol Channing, Project Smile, I went to the dentist for the first time since DC last week.

The good news is that I had no new cavities, although we know that may or may not be true since dentistry is not a science.  The even better news is that my old medical crush, Dr. Clauss, DDS, is aging as gracefully as ever.  And the best news is that I don't have to have those anxiety dreams where I go and Dr. Clauss tells me all of my teeth need to come out and it's going to cost six million dollars.

The bad news is that from having to stretch my wee dainty already winter-chapped mouth open wide enough for him to fit his man hands in there to see how much damage I am doing to my molars by grinding, I got a small cut in the side of my mouth which has turned into a cold sore.

(Yes, I am part of the 80% of the US population who gets cold sores--although other web sources seem to suggest 80% of us have been exposed and only 15-30% of us actually get cold sores.  Anyway, I am one of those people.  Stop reading my blog if you are horrified at this point.  Go ahead, close that window and mutter "leper" under your breath.)

Yes, it is true that I was running a fever of 102° over the weekend and maybe my immune system was a little compromised.  So, it's not really all because I went to the dentist.

But assigning causality for my health conditions is even less of a science than dentistry.

Anyway, it only hurts when I make my Carol Channing smile.

Amber & Relief

I am applying a kitty compress.

It's a home-ee-oo-cat-ic remedy.

Amber & Drama

So, my week has had its bumps and challenges.

It seems I have injured a muscle in my left flank.

To celebrate, I invited Nick to spend 12 hours in the ER with me.  Let me tell you, it is nothing like on House or Grey's Anatomy.  First of all, it's much messier.  My stretcher (because it was too crowded for every patient to get an actual bed) was parked in the hallway in front of the supply shelves.  And let me tell you there were some intubation tubes misfiled with the standard masks and a copy of Real Simple stuck in next to the one liter displacement jars.  And, most people there seemed to be complaining of the flu--except the one woman who was there because her eyes were itchy.  Interesting time to be there during the health care debate, I tell you.

I told Carlos, our really sweet nurse, that it seemed like there were just too many sick people.  He replied the problem was that there were just too many people who weren't really sick.  He swore he didn't mean me.

Another thing you don't see on the medical shows on the television is that, in the real ER, there are more sandwiches.  Mysteriously, a pleasant employee went around offering near-about everyone but me sandwiches.  Nick ate his and his Snackwells in front of me.  Oh, and no one told me anything about their personal life.

Anyway, I am home and nearly fine--except for the pain in my left side.  My final diagnosis was "flank pain" according to my discharge slip.  Which was basically what I told them when I was admitted.  Anti-inflammatories, rest, and saying "ouch" alot seem to be the only course of action.

I'm good at the saying "ouch" part.

Amber & So Many Questions

This video, called "Kitten that occupies bed," posted by a user named LoveScottishFold has occupied a big chunk of my mental energy this morning.



Have the Japanese invented some new kind of e-collar?  Why does that little buddy guard the bed so feverishly?  Is he a trained guard kitty?

Amber & Been There, Done That

Why, oh why, would someone, supposedly a BFF,  send me this photo?

Why would you torment me like that?  Why bring back all those cold, cold memories?  My arm begins to involuntarily make an "opening the door" motion just looking at it and I swear my shoulder starts to ache.

I think the person who sent this to me should say they are sorry. 

 They are so, so very sorry.  They completely understand my frustration and wish there was something they could do.  But they are just so, so sorry.  And maybe I can go see Gingerbread Adventures while I wait for my timeslot.

Amber & Travel

I've spent the day cleaning the mess that accumulates in an apartment inhabited by four cats when their owner suddenly becomes a frequent traveler. As frequent readers know, I was in San Francisco a short time ago for work and then also a day of recreation and Redwoods.


Then, I was home for one week, but never really got back into a normal routine or got on top of the entropy. And then, I traveled to the world of Freakshow Injuries when I got whiplash while blow-drying my hair. (No, really. I really got whiplash. Apparently, my muscles were cold and then I shocked them with heat and then moved in the exact wrong way. Beauty hurts.)

And then I had to take off, unable to turn my head to the right, to face my old nemesis, Washington, DC. The kitties were alone from Tuesday AM until Thursday evening on account of not being able to get a sitter. I left out tons of dry food, a day's worth of wet and seven water bowls (and two Woody paw-sip glasses full).

Photo by James, 2005

Mysteriously, when I got back on Thursday, there were no barfs at all, proving that no cat sitter vs. cat sitter makes no difference in kitty puke habits.

On Friday, I had more travel in store! I ventured to Brooklyn for a chiropractor appointment. Mysteriously (again), my left shoulder hurts like crazy since that visit, but I can totally turn my head to the right. Hello, right side of the world!

The sad and happy thing about my Brooklyn journey was that my chiropractor is in Amy & David & Hazel's old neighborhood. It made me sad that I haven't seen them in forever, but it made me super happy that they are such good people and, with a little effort and a little less travel ahead, I can see them soon. And maybe just in time for the second snow of the season.

By the way, I don't have any hot water today. Not ideal for cleaning nor for whiplash soreness. WTF, building? Why do we never lose hot water when it is warm outside? And why wasn't there even a warning sign this time?

You thought my hair was gross when I had to wash it with conditioner....